Self disparaging thoughts that cleared…

I understand the murky title I have put here. Always indulging deep into the conscience of the people around me, I stumbled across some questions. It’s been ten days since I looked for an answer that validated them. I posed these questions in front of my friends, and the more often I did it, the greater the longing became to quell my thirst.

I am a guy known to be idiosyncratic for his profound knowledge of human aspirations. Such is the case that many people come over to me to discuss their important career decisions and they follow my say! While I enjoy this position a lot, there comes a responsibility that I have to deal over with. I myself am not a very successful guy, nor the most intelligent one and the reason they ask me for these favors are unbeknownst to me. But one thing that I get out of most of the interactions that I had with my friends has put me into a dilemma recently. That explains the title hopefully, as I am surging with thoughts to pen down the realization that I had today which I think tries to answer that question.

Now what the question is? It’s not easy to put up that question as it will only apply to you If you had faced a similar situation. It’s about what to choose from the many choices presented to you. All the time people have to choose one thing over the another, sometimes life decisions which can have a near-permanent impact. At these times one has to overcome the void which is created by the other option which we left out. Can this void replenish over time? is the question most sought after. While helping out others solving this question , I got struck with multitude of uncertainties from them. Better than calling uncertainties, the better word would be fear. The fear of failing. Without exception, I found huge traces of that fear lying beneath myself. To repudiate this fact and continue helping others overcoming this fear is equivalent to a crime. I stopped that day as I found myself unqualified, only to start again after overcoming this fear myself.

So the fear of failing it is! Do we really to get that fear away? Nope. For some this fear actually work wonders. When you fear something, you work to bypass it. You tend to remain safe and opt for a decision that won’t give you hiccups in future. There is nothing wrong in this. Being safe is the simplest of all the tendencies that a person want. I am happy for these guys for their non-polemical ideals. For these people life will be great and they will have a fun life with their families. They may have to shun their passions but that’s okay. I feel poignant for guys who are not okay with this, sadly which encompasses me. It’s difficult for guys in this category to opt for the safe choice knowing that they may never be able to fill the void.

Then how to overcome this fear. In the first place, why you think that having a safe life won’t enrich you. Putting it very simply, people in this category want to deliver in this world and they know it very well that in order to do anything at that scale needs hard work and dedication. Won’t you enjoy dedicating yourself to something that you love! That’s the point. They have the perfect idea that if they are allowed to work freely on their area of interest, nothing in this world can thwart the results.

To overcome this fear, we need to keep in track of people who are like minded! A conducive environment is what needed. Terrible people create terrible environment and we must never get them complicate our lives. Phew! I don’t know from where the last few lines came!

I will write it more clearly in the next posts to come.


The Life as it appears to be…

The last month proved quite terrific for me. I got selected in the Google Summer of Code 2014 for Shogun Machine Learning Toolbox. I hope to have a fun time this summers with lots of Computer Vision stuff and coding. It’s always good to flaunt with shiny things authored under your name :).

Sadly my End-Semester exams broke out in between. I knew, I didn’t had any preparation for the exams this whole semester ( I was pretty hooked up with pre-GSoC work!! ) and thats why I decided to shift my priorities. For the last 15-20 days, I have read and re-read my course again and gave all these exams.

These recent examinations gave me some further insights about me and the education system and that how unfit It is for me. My mind is right now surging with thoughts that I need to pour down. So here I begin:

We are a bunch of people here, who practically never study except with an examination nearby. We waste time all long, do queer things, discuss aspirations but we never study. As examination time comes, there’s some inner power that takes on most of us. The power which reflects the importance of grades that we will obtain over our Job, our masters schools and whatnot. We study like as if the hell broke out!. I have seen people in my lobby who have the gift of writing amazing answers and score a perfect 8.5 GPA (yeah! 8.5/10 is a pretty amazing GPA here!) with a meager study of a single day. To think of, just single day study for a single semester course! Thats terrific ability….or is it not?

Ah! I have fought many times with myself to understand, “why I am not like them?” . Why god didn’t give me this crucial ability to get over things really fast. To produce the best output with the minimum input. You don’t know how terrible it gets to have a person nearby working less heartily the whole semester, but scoring better! I blamed god. Sometimes I even tried working there way, knowingly it might not suit me. I wanted to be like them. To remain cool the whole semester and just strike in the end.

Under this utter chaos, God answered!. He didn’t answered me directly. He gave me slow and painful realizations. With each passing day, he made me realize the reason he created me. Firstly, he never wanted to create everybody the same. Life would be boring with everybody or most of them having the same skills and talents. He fed each one of us with what he could think best at the moment! But he seemed sad. When I reflected deep and asked him his sadness, he told me that we humans have thwarted his this effort. How come, “Is it our education system that you are talking about Sir?”. He replied “No, It is you that I found to be the culprit”. We blame our system and lots have been written over it already. My first implications over his reason of sadness for creating single headed automatons was the Education System created by us. But no, he said it’s me because of which he got sad. “Why Sir?”, I asked. “Because you are you. I created you different for some reason”, He replied.

I understood what he meant to say. He was taken aback the day I tried to follow other’s steps of scoring high. Knowingly that I am different and that I need time to get the hang of the subject, why did I try to complete it in one day when It is supposed to be worked out in the whole semester. Presumably, to appear cool right? Is this coolness. Well if it is, I am not cool with it. Is it wrong to be uncool with things that you have less control over?

This whole transaction resulted me in jotting down the conclusion:

“Studying 10 more days and scoring the same as those guys won’t make me uncool. It’s the result that matters. To maximize my result, I will work hard unconditional to how lesser work they need to do. It’s me! I am different! Lets keep it that way! If the system favors his talents, let’s bridge it with hard-work. Because thats what I have got full control over. ”



It’s 1:38 am here…I need a break. I am having my control system exam tomorrow and I haven’t started yet! Time to go to those neighbors of mine and take some help! 🙂